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| I need a friend. I need a peace. I need a passion. I need a selfless attitude. I need help. I can't do it. I don't want it to always be "I". I want it to be about Him. For the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and SELF CONTROL. I need fruit. I know that it won't be easy. But I know that it is necessary. The time has come. And I'm so not ready. Good thing I have a secret weapon. Jesus. Take it all. | | |
| It's time. Oh definitely time again. It's here again. That need to write. Or type as it may be. Whatever. It just needs to be done. It's quite impossible to explain the way I feel right now. Or even if the feelings I feel are happy or sad. Or anywhere in between. But here goes my best attempt. I got a new book for Christmas. A book I picked out. A book I wanted to read. I heard it was good. So I asked for it. And I got it............I began to read it tonight. I read the first chapter. It was incredible. And that word does it no justice. It touched the depths of my soul, the very existance of who I am. It was like someone pulled away the curtain and introduced me to my real self. A self I never really knew. I knew it was there, we had met. But we don't "know" each other. And we should. I'm not who I thought I was. I always thought I knew what I wanted...........but I didn't. I thought I knew the desires of my heart...........but I didn't. And I'm not gonna say that after reading one chapter of one book that all of a sudden I do. Because I don't. But at least now I know that I don't know. At least not completely or in great detail. But I do know something. I am not alone. And I'm not the only one. God created me to be the way I am...........and that's ok. Who I am is ok. Because it's who I am supposed to be. And it's ok to want what I want. Because I was made to want it. To desire it. And so I shall continue to. It will never cease until it ceases to be desired. As long as the desire is there, the providence will be also. I'm being provided for. I'm learning more about myself. And I'm breaking free. Thank the Lord for growth. In more ways than one. ( I apologize for the vagueness and the possible difficulty of understanding, but its how i write and what i thrive on. Knowing what I mean while other may not. It leaves things open for interpretation and imagination. Make of it what you will. Thank you for reading.) | | |
| Rediscovering xanga has been a good thing for me. I'm glad to remember that it is here.
People are amazing. It's crazy how little you can know about someone. People inspire me.
I sit here, truly inspired. I'm utterly amazed. What a wake up call. It's sad that we know things, without really, and I mean REALLY, understanding them. Think about it. Honestly, my problems are crap. I am so selfish, duh, we all are. But I mean really, I've been sitting here thinking about how frustrated I am with all of my junk, only to realize.....I really don't have it that bad. I don't have it bad at all. I mean sure, we all have problems and life will never be perfect. Get over it. I am blessed. Amazingly blessed. It's almost sad how spoiled I am. And still I think that my problems are some big thing. I complain and I worry and I get upset over these trivial things. Sometimes I just need to tell myself to shut up! And to open my eyes to what is really out there. Not just here, but everywhere. This world is hurting and suffering and compared to them I'm sitting in the lap of freaking luxury in Weatherford America. If we only knew. Sometimes I don't want to know. But we have to know. We must choose to know and to act. We have a responsibility as not only Christians, but merely as human beings, to love. It all begins with love. Only love can change this hurting world. Without love, we are nothing. And these three will remain, faith, hope, and love. But the GREATEST of these is LOVE. And I'm not talking about that mushy gushy love. I'm talking about genuine love. Uncomprehensible love. Agape love. The love of Jesus. If only we could love like Jesus loved.
To be continued............. | | |
| blah blah blah. i hate the way i feel right now. everything feels meaningless. i know its just a mood, another one of those days. but every second spent like this is a second less enjoying life. i miss my best friend. more than words can say. its just not the same. nothing ever stays the same for long, or so it seems. but yet we march on. we adapt and accept and settle. we forget to make the effort. and sometimes all we can do is never enough. because no matter what, it can't be like before. it has to change, we have to move on. and it sucks. i want certain things back. but only certain things. actually one thing right now. just one thing. for it to be like it used to be. those were great times. some of the greatest ever. well at least i have my memories. that will have to suffice for now. for always i guess, since things wont ever be the same. but it will be ok i think. because change only gives us the opportunity to create new memories, even better than the previous ones. or at least just as good. we just have new ways to make them, new people to make them with, and different circumstances surrounding them. that gives me hope. hope for better times. hope for a new attitude. knowing that it will all be ok. so here's to hope and the acceptance of change. this is life. deal with it. | | |
| Wow, so it's been a really long time. I don't even know if anyone ever reads these anymore. But there comes a point when it doesn't really matter anyway. a point when i just want to write something. something that i can't say. something that can't really be expressed. but yet here i am making what seems like a meaningless attempt at it. so sometimes life is wierd. things happen that you don't expect. that you never could have expected. not in a million years. something unprecedented in my life. wow it was crazy. why is it that we let emotions run our lives. why we do things and think things based on emotion and not on truth. and why does it seem like no matter how hard we try, we can't stop. why do we let our thinking get twisted to a point where it seems like something we shouldn't do could be something we should. we know what we want. we know what we truly need. yet we settle for something else with the idea that it will all be ok. but chances are. it won't. it never will be as good as what we could have had had we not settled on something else. they say less is more but is it really. could less than what we've always wanted ever really be more than we could have ever imagined. i think not. yet i truly believe that God can do anything. He can change anyone and anything. He could do it. but yet i think that sometimes we try to justify things that shouldn't be justified. God can do all things. but we shouldn't use that as an excuse. as a reason to go through with something we shouldn't. we should let God work first and then see where it goes from there. never settle for less. because you can always have more. God wants His very best for you in everything. every single little thing from big to small. He wants you to have it all. so let Him prepare it for you. don't try to take it before its ready. now if only i could take my own advice. Lord help me. | | |
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